300 Letters - 2. Letter 1

Dear C,

I don't even know where to start...

Words cannot express how much I miss you and how worried I am about you...

Please try not worry about me, I'm going to be ok - I promise! I have to.

Knowing that you are there for me gives me all the strength I need to carry on here.

All we must do is to focus on your health and your recovery baby.

You must stay positive, you must beat that cancer.

Look, you are just about to complete your second chemo cycle...

Remember, when you started the first one? And the second chemo is almost finished.

Then 2 more - and that's it!

I know you will be tested afterwards and I know, that the results will come out just fine.

You know what hun, when the jury decided that I was guilty I didn't cry.

I never told you this, but a few days ago I saved a little prayer and I asked God or Universe - to save you and take my freedom instead. So when I heard "guilty'' - I knew you would be alright!

They took me to the south-east London prison.

I was told that it's one of the worst in the country.

I'm lucky in a way, as I got a single cell.

The toilet is blocked most of the time and the smell is brutal, but I try not to notice it.

It was blocked yesterday and overflown onto the floor, but I wiped all the shit with my jacket which I wore in the court.

I asked them for a rag - they laughed at me.

The cell is tiny with a very narrow window on top of the wall.

There is a small kettle here too. I tried to wash it, but it didn't help much.

I think someone must have cooked food there before coz it stinks of curry.

They also offered me to buy a ''welcome pack'', which included some basic food and some toiletries.

Luckily I had 20 pounds in my wallet when they took all my belongings earlier.

I never got to enjoy this welcome pack anyway.

Someone came and stole the whole thing from my cell when I went downstairs to call you.

You see, when the guards let us out, we can't lock the doors behind.

Nevermind, I'll be ok.

They still haven't registered your phone number baby, so again - I couldn't call you.

God, how I wish to hear your voice again...

How I wish I could hug you right now...

We are locked up here for almost for 23hrs a day, but even when we aren't - I stay in my cell.

I am too scared to be around others.

Most of them are very aggressive. One guy kicked me in my stomach a few times and threw metal bars in my face.

Many of them are jailed for murders, rapes - serving lives in prison - they know, that they can do whatever they want to; they will never see the outside world again.

They shout all night long or bang on their cell doors. The noise is overwhelming...

I am trying to keep my shit together.

I think I started to lose weight too, which is good I guess...

I haven't been eating much - I just can't.

Food isn't the best and my stomach refuses to have it.

I threw up a few times already, mostly because of the toilet smell inside my cell.

Baby, I must admit, that last night I cried thinking that you would leave me.

Do you still want to be with me? Will you wait for me? Please don't leave me now... You are my everything...

I also thought about all the people, who stood by me during this whole circus with my court case...

I'm so grateful that you, Kasia, Agnes, Lisa, Lucia and all the people from work - my bosses and girls from HR - supported me.

Baby, please look after yourself there without me.

You have people who love you, people who care for you.

I never told you this, but I am so happy that your mum is there for you.

She loves you so much - I can tell. Please listen to her.

Eat as much as you can. I don't want you to lose any more weight.

The soups that your mum cooks for you - I know they stink - but they are organic and they are good for you.

I am so fucking proud of you!

You are making me the proudest guy in the world - with your attitude, bravery, your love and care.

You are my hero.

I have to finish here baby - I'm running out of paper.

I also cannot send this letter yet, as I have no money to buy stamps.

Maybe they will give me some work to do soon, so I can buy some phone credit and writing pad with stamps.

I will save this letter and post it whenever I can.

I will keep on writing to you though - so expect to receive plenty of letters one day hun!

C - never give up. You must defeat that stupid cancer! And I know you will.

Love wins. Like you always told me.

Remember that. Our love will always win. No matter what.

I love you so much.

Forever yours,

Sebastian