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    Mikiesboy
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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

tim's Bits and Pieces - 32. Metamorphosis - Not

So, this week as you may know i had a pretty bad mental health crisis. After a brief overnight in the hospital, i've had to come to the realization that i will not get better, there is no cure but there is therapy and drugs to help me cope. i have had to give up my dream of being drug free. i have had to accept this is my normal. So as is usual for me, poems began to form ... to help me cope with what is going on my world.

 

Allowing myself to give up my dream of 'normal' has freed me in a way. My expectations have changed, i am allowing myself to accepts my limits. Living in my new framework will allow me to cope. i hope i will be able to continue to write and work. i think i will be okay.

 

Is it so great being normal?

Most of don’t want to be

I found out that I’m not

Nor will I ever again, be

Depression is a constant companion

And HIV sits there in silence

Both of them brooding and deep

They are not friends with each other

And they certainly aren’t of me

There must be a level of acceptance

I need to let go of my fear

Find a way to meet them head on

There will be no sharing of info

No pleasant talks of peace

Mutual understanding is a no, no

It’s a cold war — internally

 

This poem is me as i'd hoped i'd be. i hoped i'd come through my own metamorphosis, better than i'd gone in. i had hoped i'd come out normal and drug free, but i haven't

 

i am meant to be a blue butterfly
with brilliant iridescent wings
tipped with gold
i am meant to be
yet i am a freak
coming out as i went in—
a lump, a slug, ugly and pale.—
i will never open my wings
or sip the nectar of life
doomed, am i, to crawl
never to fly freely on warm currents
only to creep among the lowly
no better or worse than i was

~~~

Thanks for reading. i feel okay, and i feel hopeful for the future.
Copyright © 2018 Mikiesboy; All Rights Reserved.
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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

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12 minutes ago, MericCotton said:

"blue butterfly" ... somehow I believe in at least one person's heart you ARE a "blue butterfly" and not an ugly slug.

even in my mind, you are much closer to butterfly than slug

but then, what do I know?

;)

 

 

What?  hopefully your own mind.

 

Thanks for reading ...

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The first poem’s reference to a Cold War made a lot of sense to me. About your second poem: You are no slug. I know a lot about slugs. Yet what you wrote struck a chord with me. You are who you are, and you are loved for that. 

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3 hours ago, Parker Owens said:

The first poem’s reference to a Cold War made a lot of sense to me. About your second poem: You are no slug. I know a lot about slugs. Yet what you wrote struck a chord with me. You are who you are, and you are loved for that. 

thanks Parker. .. glad they worked for you .. love you back xo

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2 hours ago, BHopper2 said:

Damn Onions.

 

Hugs, Bro. Hugs.

You are not a slug.

i have no wings tho :(   thanks for reading...

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1 hour ago, WolfM said:

Depression is the house guest who doesn't know it's time to leave. The acquaintance of a friends, ex's roommate who thinks she belongs at every gathering. There is nothing ugly about you my friend. There is a beauty that shines within you and you're loved for who you are.

thank You Wolfie... i appreciate your comments xo

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3 hours ago, MichaelS36 said:

I cannot be more proud of you boy. you are so much stronger than you let yourself believe. Never stop writing, your words are important. 

thank You, Sir  xoxo i'll try to believe.

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letting go and acceptance are big steps

though i know it's not been easy 

and if you aren't a butterfly, i think you are more like this worm than a slug

 

much love xo

 

 

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Just now, mollyhousemouse said:

letting go and acceptance are big steps

though i know it's not been easy 

and if you aren't a butterfly, i think you are more like this worm than a slug

 

much love xo

 

 

LOL... a blue-haired worm....LOL  that made me laugh.. but no it's not easy, but necessary. there comes a time to let some things go and embrace what you've got. thanks, molly xoxo

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3 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

LOL... a blue-haired worm....LOL  that made me laugh.. but no it's not easy, but necessary. there comes a time to let some things go and embrace what you've got. thanks, molly xoxo

anytime sweetie, anytime :hug:

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9 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

i have no wings tho :(   thanks for reading...

There are plenty of beautiful things, that don't need wings. :hug:

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The moment we ask ourselves what normality is we know that we are outside the norm. As long as we are swimming, floating in the middle of the stream among the rest we do not know who we are or what we are. Time drifts by and we imagine moving of our own will. But the moment we are tossed to the side of the stream and feel the boulders, the pebbles, the sand, the grass and the tugging of the current, suddenly, we wake up to the difference between drifting and swimming. Be yourself, my distant friend. I would not have you otherwise. The life of a butterfly is short and it is only one stage in a series of metamorphoses anyway. You could not have chosen your metaphors better. And remember: the nightingale is one of the most unspectacular looking birds there are. And yet...

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2 hours ago, mayday said:

The moment we ask ourselves what normality is we know that we are outside the norm. As long as we are swimming, floating in the middle of the stream among the rest we do not know who we are or what we are. Time drifts by and we imagine moving of our own will. But the moment we are tossed to the side of the stream and feel the boulders, the pebbles, the sand, the grass and the tugging of the current, suddenly, we wake up to the difference between drifting and swimming. Be yourself, my distant friend. I would not have you otherwise. The life of a butterfly is short and it is only one stage in a series of metamorphoses anyway. You could not have chosen your metaphors better. And remember: the nightingale is one of the most unspectacular looking birds there are. And yet...

thank you ... i wanted to be myself, without anti-depressants, it was very hard and not just on me. being unable to function cost me time off from work, and from myself and Michael. He's especially paid a price for my choice. And so have i, and the other night was bad. So i have to learn to be me, while taking these meds... so i came out, as i went in ... unchanged, in that i need the drugs ... but maybe wiser, too. 

 

thank you for your beautiful comments... they always touch me, and make me think. xoxo

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4 minutes ago, Fae Briona said:

:hug:

I've dealt with depression my entire life, and understand the desire to be "normal".

maybe i have, i don't know. the years i spent on the street were filled with other kinds of drugs and booze. it was finally diagnosed about four years ago. i seem to be in lots of good and unnormal company!  xox thanks for your comments and for reading...

Edited by Mikiesboy
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6 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

thank you ... i wanted to be myself, without anti-depressants, it was very hard and not just on me. being unable to function cost me time off from work, and from myself and Michael. He's especially paid a price for my choice. And so have i, and the other night was bad. So i have to learn to be me, while taking these meds... so i came out, as i went in ... unchanged, in that i need the drugs ... but maybe wiser, too. 

 

thank you for your beautiful comments... they always touch me, and make me think. xoxo

 

The lead singer of 21 Pilots deals with depression, and a lot of songs touch on the subject: "I begin to assemble what weapons I can find; 'Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."

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To echo many others, you are not a slug, tim. You may not become the blue butterfly you wanted to be... But there are plenty of beautiful and spectacular caterpillars out there, and they live longer lives than the butterflies. :hug: 

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1 hour ago, Fae Briona said:

 

The lead singer of 21 Pilots deals with depression, and a lot of songs touch on the subject: "I begin to assemble what weapons I can find; 'Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."

Oh, i like that.. and i get it.  a lot of my poetry touches on it too.. there's a lot of poetry .. lol  Thanks for sharing this .. i love it.

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