Headstall's Reflections - 71. Chapter 71 First Love

Sigh. I still remember my first love. Obviously, you do, too. Thanks for the memories!

How do you distinguish a first love from an infatuation?  That's difficult especially for us from the days when our love wasn't acceptable and all we had were longings and dreams and wishful fantasies.  I discount all those we would never meet like film stars or television actors however much we yearned for them.  So, someone in our school or town who we'd see often but perhaps not interact with for that very fear...can it be love if it's one-sided or unspoken?
Was it my real Jay from school as I paint in my story?  We talked, the initial incident of a note happened and yet I feared being more than a casual friend.  Maybe it was my first sexual partner--a friend who once the subject was broached of my first coming out, offered to guide me, only to later marry after several years?
Over the years there were chances, but none worked out until the most unlikely came into the picture.  A friend's friend met in a group one evening, being warned off him as being unaccepting...then having him appear at my doorstep months later asking to be friends, that later turned to more  and lasted over a decade though the big L was seldom said but mutually understood.
So, I guess I'd have to say, my first was also my last, for once he died, the spirit was gone.  Memories can be bittersweet, but also a wonderful reliving of life's best moments shared.  Was it a Grand Romance?  I don't know because we were together and sparks flew and energized us, and that was enough for me.
Miss you still, K.   

Beautiful sentiments, Gary.

I wonder just how many of our generation look back on that first love that dared not speak its name? At that time when what we felt was considered by the rest of society to be so far outside the norm that we didn't even believe it to be possible ourselves.

Thankfully many of the current generation do not need to deny their feelings. Don't need to hide their love away..

19 hours ago, Albert1434 said:

Wow I just love this poem so moving thanks for sharing such as this ❤️

Thanks, Albert. Writing this one left me unsettled, and I fell into a bit of a pit. More and more I seem to let these poems sit on a shelf for a while, until I become comfortable enough to post. Time... it's a tricky, erratic thing.  

18 hours ago, clochette said:

Such beautiful words. Bittersweet but moving. I guess we all carry some of those feelings

Yeah, I agree. We all know the intricacies of first love... I just wish mine could have followed a natural course, unencumbered by fear and self loathing. C'est la vie. Thanks, Tink.  

18 hours ago, Geron Kees said:

Sigh. I still remember my first love. Obviously, you do, too. Thanks for the memories!

I hope it is a good memory for you, my friend. Thank you for reading and supporting.  

15 hours ago, ColumbusGuy said:

How do you distinguish a first love from an infatuation?  That's difficult especially for us from the days when our love wasn't acceptable and all we had were longings and dreams and wishful fantasies.  I discount all those we would never meet like film stars or television actors however much we yearned for them.  So, someone in our school or town who we'd see often but perhaps not interact with for that very fear...can it be love if it's one-sided or unspoken?
Was it my real Jay from school as I paint in my story?  We talked, the initial incident of a note happened and yet I feared being more than a casual friend.  Maybe it was my first sexual partner--a friend who once the subject was broached of my first coming out, offered to guide me, only to later marry after several years?
Over the years there were chances, but none worked out until the most unlikely came into the picture.  A friend's friend met in a group one evening, being warned off him as being unaccepting...then having him appear at my doorstep months later asking to be friends, that later turned to more  and lasted over a decade though the big L was seldom said but mutually understood.
So, I guess I'd have to say, my first was also my last, for once he died, the spirit was gone.  Memories can be bittersweet, but also a wonderful reliving of life's best moments shared.  Was it a Grand Romance?  I don't know because we were together and sparks flew and energized us, and that was enough for me.
Miss you still, K.   

I just want to hug you fiercely right now, buddy.   I wish with all my heart things had turned out differently for you and Kevin... I wish that for me too sometimes. I never had any doubts about what I was feeling... it's still there, and it still comes with pain attached. Love you, my dear friend.  

22 minutes ago, Marty said:

Beautiful sentiments, Gary.

I wonder just how many of our generation look back on that first love that dared not speak its name? At that time when what we felt was considered by the rest of society to be so far outside the norm that we didn't even believe it to be possible ourselves.

Thankfully many of the current generation do not need to deny their feelings. Don't need to hide their love away..

It's nice when someone totally understands just how difficult those times were. Our loves weren't perverted... it was the minds of people who considered us abominations that were 'wrong.' The problem was, it wasn't so clear and cut and dried at the time. I was surrounded by all these expectations... and so was he, and fear, and confusion, and self hate clouded my vision. I still feel that love, and it still makes me sad. Thanks, Marty.     

My first love married someone else, I saw him 5 years later, his partner was extremely jealous; but when we shook hands, he held my hand a little longer and said "" You never quite forget your first love.'' No regrets, he has still the loving eyes and great smile. I wish him well.

9 hours ago, Job said:

My first love married someone else, I saw him 5 years later, his partner was extremely jealous; but when we shook hands, he held my hand a little longer and said "" You never quite forget your first love.'' No regrets, he has still the loving eyes and great smile. I wish him well.

Thanks for sharing a beautiful, personal moment, buddy. I hope mine is happy too.  

Yes, I well remember him. Like you, I recall details of outline and shade of flesh in the sun. The recollection is bittersweet, and melancholy too - just as your lovely poem is. 

3 minutes ago, Parker Owens said:

Yes, I well remember him. Like you, I recall details of outline and shade of flesh in the sun. The recollection is bittersweet, and melancholy too - just as your lovely poem is. 

I can recall everything... many shared moments to play like a movie in my head. The clarity of those times is both comforting and painful. Bittersweet and melancholy... exactly. Thanks for sharing your memory, Parker.  

❤️ You write your remembrance beautifully..

9 minutes ago, Defiance19 said:

❤️ You write your remembrance beautifully..

Thanks, Def.  

I do remember his black hair like a raven's wing...

A lovely, wistful poem, Gary. 

5 hours ago, aditus said:

I do remember his black hair like a raven's wing...

A lovely, wistful poem, Gary. 

Wistful... yes. Thanks, Adi. I'm sure you remember more... like I do.   I appreciate your thoughts.