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    Headstall
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Headstall's Reflections - 2. Chapter 2 Honor Thy Father

Bad dreams of bad memories. More reflections as I look back. We are the sum of our parts....

Reflections

 

 

Chapter 2 Honor Thy Father

 

 

 

Hidden terror still abides in me

A mistake to think time sets you free

A child’s abuse is my cross to bear

I learned too soon life isn’t fair

 

A mother beaten while at my side

No safe place for me to hide

Boiling hot coffee thrown in her face

How dare she ever forget her place?

 

Black liquid burned on my face, neck, and arm

Not her fault she couldn't keep me from harm

A loving father on public display

A lie, a creature no plea could sway

 

You died alone, you piece of crap

Ran out of victims, your life’s a wrap

Does anyone ever think of you?

Yeah, it took long enough to get your due

 

Big strong man you thought you were

You more resembled a worthless curr

Caring more about your shiny things

Cruising around town with the air of kings

 

Three grown sons who hated your guts

Your legacy’s worse than a million cuts

Some say that to forgive is to forget

I hope you’re in hell now paying your debt

 

Beaten senseless because you’re too pretty

An irony for me that’s the nitty gritty

We left and you moved on to others

My biggest fault was a face like my mother’s

 

I hope she can see you from a place up high

Where never again can you make her cry

Mourning you is something I tried to do

In the end, thank God I never turned into you

 

When my life ends I have no fear

Memories of me, my kids will hold dear

Honor thy father, speak well his name

Truth is, I envision you a writhing flame

 

Back in those days you got away with this

I hope now you’re enduring a devil’s kiss

We may have escaped your controlling clutches

But to this day, we still struggle with our crutches

I guess I'm striking out at something long gone, but that has never really left.

Copyright © 2017 Headstall; All Rights Reserved.
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I read this, and feel the anger, the pain and the horror. I read this and want to hold your younger self and comfort you. I read this and wish it had been different. I read this and celebrate the goodness in your life, the kids you love you and honor you now. I am humbled and blessed by your writing.

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On 12/14/2015 05:24 AM, Parker Owens said:

I read this, and feel the anger, the pain and the horror. I read this and want to hold your younger self and comfort you. I read this and wish it had been different. I read this and celebrate the goodness in your life, the kids you love you and honor you now. I am humbled and blessed by your writing.

Thank you, Parker. It was not the best of nights for me, and I woke up with this. I never really lashed out at him before... I kept it buried, and never talked with my brothers about it. I felt a certain shame that my biological father didn't love me... my stepfather wasn't perfect... far from it... but I know he loved me... and that will do because I needed it to. Thank you for expressing what you did, and the kind words... cheers, my friend... Gary...

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On 12/14/2015 05:46 AM, Mikiesboy said:

Oh Gary. I sit here and the only thing I can say is with tears you'll never see.

tim

Hey, tim. Yeah, I guess it's kind of brutal. I didn't hold back this time. I have no idea what I thought I was protecting. My childhood was shit. I honestly don't know how I got through it... my brothers avoided much that I couldn't. I took on the worry of an adult as a very young child... my constant companion was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anyway, thanks, tim, for reading and the review. Gary...

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Oh, Gary. I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. No child should EVER have to go through what you did, and no mother should ever have to cower in fear of her husband. A child should be loved unconditionally, otherwise, don't have children.

 

Your children are blessed they never knew this person. I don't consider him your "father"; I consider him a sperm donor and nothing more. I don't know how your brothers are, hopefully they are not like your biological sperm donor, but you, Gary, you broke the cycle of abuse, hatred, and control.

 

You say your stepfather was not perfect but at least you knew he loved you. I'm glad your mom married a better man than your sperm donor. They say women marry men like their fathers, and I'm glad your stepfather was better to you than your biological sperm donor, but maybe your mom subconsciously still wanted that little bit of familiarity. Do you know what I mean?

 

Gary, you should be proud of yourself for rising above his abuse and control, and following in your own footsteps and not his. Your children are blessed that they have you as a dad. =)

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On 12/14/2015 06:27 AM, Lisa said:

Oh, Gary. I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. No child should EVER have to go through what you did, and no mother should ever have to cower in fear of her husband. A child should be loved unconditionally, otherwise, don't have children.

 

Your children are blessed they never knew this person. I don't consider him your "father"; I consider him a sperm donor and nothing more. I don't know how your brothers are, hopefully they are not like your biological sperm donor, but you, Gary, you broke the cycle of abuse, hatred, and control.

 

You say your stepfather was not perfect but at least you knew he loved you. I'm glad your mom married a better man than your sperm donor. They say women marry men like their fathers, and I'm glad your stepfather was better to you than your biological sperm donor, but maybe your mom subconsciously still wanted that little bit of familiarity. Do you know what I mean?

 

Gary, you should be proud of yourself for rising above his abuse and control, and following in your own footsteps and not his. Your children are blessed that they have you as a dad. =)

Thanks Lisa. I've thought a lot about things over the years, and I do know what you mean. This was only the tip of the iceburg regarding my childhood. I hope I can just put it away again, at least for a while. I take great pride in being an awesome father... and it was the easiest thing in the world for me. I don't understand why it couldn't have been that way for my own father. My stepfather had his demons, but I was old enough to fight back. An uneasy truce became love and caring over the years, at least enough to satisfy that need in me. Thanks for this, Lisa. I agree with you... no kid should ever face the horrors and anguish I did. I really appreciate your heartfelt review... cheers... Gary...

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I feel so much anger reading this... anger at the man who claimed to be your father, and anger at other men who I know do the same. You lived through hell, but you came out a better man on the other side. I've always said that your children were very luck to have you as a father, and I believe that even more after reading this. It could have been so easy to fall into the familiar... many do. You were and are a stronger man than that. :hug:

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I have heard countless times that forgiveness is something that will help the forgiver. I don't think that is quite true.
1. Because some people do not deserve forgiveness.
2. Forgiving someone does not wash away the pain, but holding someone accountable - yes.

 

As for you my friend, knowing the kind of man and father you are after having grown up that way...I just have to say thanks for being who you are! :hug: :hug:

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On 12/14/2015 06:44 AM, LitLover said:

I feel so much anger reading this... anger at the man who claimed to be your father, and anger at other men who I know do the same. You lived through hell, but you came out a better man on the other side. I've always said that your children were very luck to have you as a father, and I believe that even more after reading this. It could have been so easy to fall into the familiar... many do. You were and are a stronger man than that. :hug:

Hey, Lit. Yeah, I surprised myself... not by my anger, but that I shared it. Such a dirty secret for the time. Men got away with this crap all the time, and some still do. I don't know if I'm stronger...It didn't take strength to love and cherish my kids... but I was strong enough to survive my childhood. I'm not perfect, but I like who I am as a man and as a father. I don't think the fear ever left me as a child... it was a hell of a journey, and it didn't get much easier after we left. Life wasn't kind to a single mother back then either. Thanks for your thoughts and review, my friend... cheers... Gary...

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On 12/14/2015 06:44 AM, Reader1810 said:

I have heard countless times that forgiveness is something that will help the forgiver. I don't think that is quite true.

1. Because some people do not deserve forgiveness.

2. Forgiving someone does not wash away the pain, but holding someone accountable - yes.

 

As for you my friend, knowing the kind of man and father you are after having grown up that way...I just have to say thanks for being who you are! :hug: :hug:

Thank you, Reader. I'm feeling kind of weird right now. I'm being bombarded with memories... more with each passing second. Yeah, maybe for the first time, I'm holding him accountable and saying it out loud. I appreciate what you are saying... very much... cheers... Gary...

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No, you never will forget.

 

A heart rending, but powerful poem Gary.
The best response is the one you've take. To love and do good.

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I had to take a moment before I could even write this review.

 

My God, Gary.This is a heartbreaking poem, The pain, fear, and anger are so real to me. Right now, I just want to hug you and comfort you.

 

Gary, it must have been hard to share this, so thank you for doing so :hug:

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On 12/14/2015 08:38 AM, skinnydragon said:

No, you never will forget.

 

A heart rending, but powerful poem Gary.

The best response is the one you've take. To love and do good.

Thank you Skinny. I can forget for a time, but it's always in the background, even after all these years. I guess in a way I have had the last laugh... he taught me how not to be. I'll never understand him though. His father and brothers weren't like he was. He chased my mother like a prize... I'll never ever get it... the damage has been done and I made my life. Thanks for the review and the kind words. I appreciate it... cheers... Gary...

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On 12/14/2015 12:21 PM, Drew Espinosa said:

I had to take a moment before I could even write this review.

 

My God, Gary.This is a heartbreaking poem, The pain, fear, and anger are so real to me. Right now, I just want to hug you and comfort you.

 

Gary, it must have been hard to share this, so thank you for doing so :hug:

Thanks, Drew. I can't believe I shared this at all. I've always kept specifics close to my vest. I've been a little shook up all day. It's like I spoke these words out loud... something me and my brothers have never done. I don't know why I was ashamed... my awful childhood was not my fault... I spent every day trying to be the perfect kid...and there were good days... but it's over now, and I'm okay... Thanks again buddy... cheers... Gary...

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Wow, I never realized how awful things were for you as a child. The lessons learned however led you to be a much different man.

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On 12/14/2015 02:06 PM, dughlas said:

Wow, I never realized how awful things were for you as a child. The lessons learned however led you to be a much different man.

Yeah, Dugh, I am not in any way like my biological father. He made my stepfather look like an angel, and that he was not... but he, at least, showed me love and caring. Thanks for reviewing, my friend. I was reading a story last night, and it triggered some dreams which were memories, and I guess now I have a way of letting this stuff out. I wonder what my brothers would think of me airing our secrets? Cheers... Gary...

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Wow Gary. This one hit me a little hard. Your anger is so palpable and, rightly so. I appreciate you letting this out and in doing so letting us in. That's a brave and bold step. It is a pity that those memories don't die too. You may never forget, but you are a better, better, much better man than he ever hoped of being. And you got there in spite of him. That in itself is a testament to the kind of person you are.

 

You radiate joy and pride and love in every story, no matter how simple, when you talk about your kids. They are lucky and blessed to have you as a dad. In our short conversations you've shown so much kindness and you give of your heart. I know it's not just me, so for many of us, we are honored to call you friend. I'm glad you're here, that you are you. xoxo :hug:

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And from all that pain, emerged a beautiful soul. We are given choices in this life. We can allow our past to destroy us and others by being mad at the world. We can also rise above it, to become a someone who is, kind, loving, and gentle in nature. You are definitely of the latter. It takes a lot to look back on a traumatic childhood, but it takes bravery and humility to share it with others.
Thank you for sharing your creativity with us.

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On 12/14/2015 04:02 PM, Defiance19 said:

Wow Gary. This one hit me a little hard. Your anger is so palpable and, rightly so. I appreciate you letting this out and in doing so letting us in. That's a brave and bold step. It is a pity that those memories don't die too. You may never forget, but you are a better, better, much better man than he ever hoped of being. And you got there in spite of him. That in itself is a testament to the kind of person you are.

 

You radiate joy and pride and love in every story, no matter how simple, when you talk about your kids. They are lucky and blessed to have you as a dad. In our short conversations you've shown so much kindness and you give of your heart. I know it's not just me, so for many of us, we are honored to call you friend. I'm glad you're here, that you are you. xoxo :hug:

Thanks, Def. Yeah, I guess there is a lot of anger. Never talked about it before... well, a little bit with my mom, but never too deep. She always felt some shame for my childhood, mostly because she was messed up for a while. She was a great woman, and I don't fault her. You say some nice things, and I'm no saint, but I like who I am... My kids have always come first, especially when I faced up to who I was. My stepfather, god rest his soul, gave me a lot of what I needed in my teen years, so all in all, I came out okay. They're all gone now, and I'm left here with my memories... and the realization, that I don't need to feel the shame anymore... Thanks, Def... in a way, letting this out has been a little too real... cheers... Gary...

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On 12/14/2015 04:32 PM, R J Drew said:

And from all that pain, emerged a beautiful soul. We are given choices in this life. We can allow our past to destroy us and others by being mad at the world. We can also rise above it, to become a someone who is, kind, loving, and gentle in nature. You are definitely of the latter. It takes a lot to look back on a traumatic childhood, but it takes bravery and humility to share it with others.

Thank you for sharing your creativity with us.

Thanks, R J. I sure did share, didn't I lol. Thank you for saying this. This was why I had a difficult time writing the Calgary segment of COTT. I was a mess of emotions, but I guess maybe it started me off on a new perspective. I was always ashamed and embarrassed by my father... I think that is leaving finally. I so appreciate the review.. cheers... Gary...

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On 12/15/2015 01:18 AM, Bucket1 said:

You broke the cycle :hug:

Yeah, thanks B. I never felt a part of a cycle. I look at my father as an aberration. The rest of his family was solid and very disapproving of him. My mother's beauty caught his attention... once he had her, he showed his true self. But you're right, I did break the cycle of what I knew as a child. Writing this one shook me up yesterday, but hanging out with my two boys helped me a lot... and yeah, they indulged in their second favorite pastime... making fun of Dad. Thanks buddy, for the review... cheers... Gary...

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Gary:
I have to say this is something hard to write about. When growing up I saw my mother beaten over and over by my father. He never beat us, but he did her. It is a horrible thing to grow like this. It was over the moment my mother stood up and sent him to the hospital. Not a nice image either for a kid. I can so empathize and I have to say the writting is just amazing. Thumbs up Gary!

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On 02/07/2016 08:15 AM, Roberto Zuniga said:

Gary:

I have to say this is something hard to write about. When growing up I saw my mother beaten over and over by my father. He never beat us, but he did her. It is a horrible thing to grow like this. It was over the moment my mother stood up and sent him to the hospital. Not a nice image either for a kid. I can so empathize and I have to say the writting is just amazing. Thumbs up Gary!

Thank you, Roberto. This was a very difficult poem to write. It still surprises me that I did write it, but I was reading a story that brought it all back in searing color. As I've said to others, I have no idea what I was protecting, or why I felt shame for my father... he didn't deserve any consideration from me. He was an abusive ass, and he deserves my scorn... I see that you understand that... thank you for the review, and for sharing some of your own story, and the kind words about my writing... I appreciate it... cheers, my friend... Gary...

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Oh Gary, I really didn't want to like this one. Not because it wasn't good, great in fact, but due instead to the subject. It feels like I'm validating or approving of the monster by clicking 'Like', and I never want to do that. So, I'm looking at it like this: the 'Like' is for you--for having the guts to even look at these episodes and having to relive them. I know they never go away, and I hope that this at least is a catharsis for you, if not a healing.
You know what is so achingly beautiful--that despite experience, you turned out to be an awesome father and loyal friend to those in need. You broke what could have been a continuing cycle...and I am so lucky to count you as my friend.
Hugs from Down South, G.

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